Thought I was past this. . .

So we had to eat out for the 100th time tonight (a little exaggerated, but would love a home cooked meal), due to our lack of a working stove.  Dinner was (big emphasis on was) going great! Tanner was loving his mashed potatoes and was making the funniest shrieking noises! As my hubby was talking, I looked to my right and saw a woman that looked awfully familiar. I whispered to my hubby "who is that", he looked at me like I was nuts and said "I dunno".  I had a feeling I knew her and then it clicked! She was one of the you know what's who wouldn't let me bring home my baby! Turns out I was eating next to one of Tanner's NICU doctors.  I know many families are very grateful for all the NICU has to offer and that many, many babies are saved and very well taken care of there, but my experience was AWFUL! I really thought I was getting past all of my issues with my labor and delivery, but seeing her brought all those emotions back! As we were getting up I politely smiled (even though I just wanted to throw my drink at her) and took the opportunity to show her my "failure to thrive" baby who is over just about 20 pounds and has more rolls than a cinnabon! I have so many issues and resentments for all that my husband and I, and most importantly my baby went through. I know I just need to focus on the here and now and be so thankful that my son is healthy, amazing, and so darn cute, but I still have this underlying feeling that something went wrong in that hospital. Call it mother's intuition if you will.  I have so many fears about having another child and having to go through the same kind of situation and being treated the way I was! I have to move on, I just don't know how!

Day one of the longest and hardest 2 weeks of my life! I thank God everyday for this little booger!