Thursday, July 21, 2011

First Birthday Depression

I don't know if there is a medical term for what I am feeling, but I like to call it first birthday depression! I have been in a funk the last couple of days and I know it is stemming from Tanner's upcoming birthday! I am loving planning his party, but on one hand it makes me so sad to know that my baby is growing up! I have these fears that I will not have another baby, so each little milestone means so much to me and I try to remember every little detail of my pregnancy and my son. I'm scared I will never experience these things again so I am trying to hold on so tight! As I was going through pictures for his slide show it dawned on me how much he has changed in 12 short months! We experienced so many "firsts" and I know that there are many more to come, but it is so bittersweet.

I guess I've just been worried lately. As Tanner gets older the talk of other babies comes up. I want another baby so bad, but after my difficult pregnancy I am so scared of something going wrong. I know I won't have the normal "textbook" pregnancy and the fact that I am high risk really scares me. Who am I to potentially bring a baby into this world too early and to fight an uphill battle. I am so scared, but talking with my husband about it really opened my eyes. He told me I need to stop playing the "what if" game and whatever happens is Gods will. He reminded me how the odds were against us even getting pregnant, again when we found out about my incompetent cervix, the awful statistics about early delivery, but ulimately we have a beautiful, healthy little boy. He reminded me that just getting in your car everyday is a huge risk, but not living your life because of fear is no life to live. With that I am going to TRY to put my fears to rest and let God lead me in the direction of his choice and if that means more babies, then I will embrace that whole heartedly and with excitement!
Here's a glimpse of the last year in pics! Enjoy!
Absolutely loved being pregnant! Best 8.5 months of my life (minus the heartburn)
Around this time last year!
First time I got to hold my baby in the NICU
Failure to thrive? Not anymore look at these guns (rolls)!

My handsome boy!
Tan and mama! 


It's amazing to think that at this time last year I started not feeling well and was thinking what bad gas I had, not knowing that just a few short and painful days later I would be meeting the love of my life! This has been the BEST year of my life and although it will be hard watching my son grow up, it will be the most amazing ride of my life! Tears are pouring as I am writing this and I know the waterworks will probably be bad on Saturday for his party, but they are happy tears and I am going to begin down  a path to no more fear!

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Mom Of The Year...NOT

Well Friday was officially one of the worsts days I have had being a mommy. In a few years I may look back on this day and laugh, but for right now I am still horrified at my obvious lack of parenting skills! Let me first say that  my brain was scattered (probably from the margaritas the night before) and I just wasn't myself that awful day! That morning I went running with the little man and our mommy and baby friends. The whole run I was feeling pretty crappy, but pushed myself to finish (oh, 10k training is actually going really good). After our run Tanner fell asleep for a pretty long nap and when he woke up we decided to meet up with the mom group at the pool! While we were there Tanner and I were just not feeling it. He was teething pretty bad and I had a pretty bad headache. We left before the others and made our way to the car. This is where the story gets really bad. I was trying to be a "good" mom and cool down the car before putting Tan in.I started the car and turned on the air full blast then I started loading the car with the ever mounting pile of stuff that you need for the pool and finally put Tanner in his car seat.  I reached up and hit what I thought was the unlock button on the passenger side door to make sure the car was open, one problem, I hit the damn lock button and slammed the door! Instantly I knew what had happened and I began panicking! I ran around the car pulling on all the doors. If I had found a rock I would've busted the window, but thankfully the sane Melinda came out for a brief moment and decided to run up to the fence enclosing the pool and scare the you know what out of a woman trying to enjoy a book and scream through tears and snot "I locked my baby in the car, I need your phone (cause you guessed it, mine was in the damn car)! I called my mom who lives about 2 minutes from the pool, she called my dad who works for the Village, and he called his police buddy, who called Corrales Fire Dept. In about 5 minutes I was surrounded by an ambulance, 2 cop cars, mom's van, dad's truck, and a few onlookers. It didn't help that I have known most of the cops and EMT's for my entire life, oh and what sucks even worse one of the EMT's was my ex boyfriends brother! Like I didn't feel stupid enough already! Within a few minutes my car door was opened and I grabbed my precious little boy, who was a trooper I might add! The car was very cool because I had the air on full blast (thank God), but the EMT's still wanted to check Tanner's vitals!  Seeing medics working on your kid no matter how minor is an image I will never forget and hope to never have to see again!  He was fine until they tried to check his ears (devil child emerges when ears are checked) and he gave a scream and a flail! He checked out just fine, and the fire chief seemed more worried about the crazy mama here crying and telling them that I really am not that stupid! He gave me strict orders to go to my mom's, put my feet up and calm down!

Later that night my husband went to the Ford dealership and got me a brand new key to keep in a magnetic box under my car so that if stupidity hits again, I will be prepared! I am, however, a nervous wreck every time I have to put Tanner back in the car! I guess I need to chalk this up to a lesson learned and be thankful that it ended the way it did because it could have been a lot worse! It has made me even more appreciative for the beautiful baby boy that God blessed me with! A special thanks to all the people that helped out on Friday: Corrales PD and FD, mom, dad, lady who told me it happens to every mom, lady I probably made shit her pants, my hubby, and most of all my boy for still loving me even though he surely didn't hit the mom jackpot!
My reason for living! Love him so much! 

Friday, July 8, 2011

Mom's Night Out with Margaritas!!!

Well we were supposed to hit up the pool today with our baby and mommy friends, but my little guy passed out and I won't dare wake him up. So instead I'll tell you all about my fabulous night out with the girls!

Last night we had our first Mommy's Night Out at our local Mexican restruant and totally forgot about counting points endulging in margaritas, tacos, salsa, and everything else that isn't good for the weight watcher diet, but man it was nice! We even talked about things other than our babies *gasp*!  I feel so blessed to have found this group of ladies to hang out with! It seemed like I had a ton of friends while I was single and lost some once I was married and now that I am a mommy those "friends" are pretty non-existent! The best friend who was like a sister that  I thought I would have for life is long gone and maybe that's a good thing. I have grown up and am beginning a new phase in my life and I LOVE it! I feel like the mommy's in my group "get it". They are all first time moms with babies within a month of Tanner, we have the same fears, worries, goals for our kids, and can talk about everything and I really mean everything! I finally feel like I belong and while I love my mom, it's nice not just going to her house every single day and feeling lonely.  Last night was a blast and I can't wait for our next Girls Night and hopefully getting the husband's together too! Here are some of the highlights from last night:
Brittany, Steph, Sarah, and me!

learned that hard way that two margaritas is way too much after not drinking for a year and a half!   
 Looking forward to many more MNO's, laughter and watching our kids grow and become great friends! Thanks for an awesome night girls!