First Birthday Depression

I don't know if there is a medical term for what I am feeling, but I like to call it first birthday depression! I have been in a funk the last couple of days and I know it is stemming from Tanner's upcoming birthday! I am loving planning his party, but on one hand it makes me so sad to know that my baby is growing up! I have these fears that I will not have another baby, so each little milestone means so much to me and I try to remember every little detail of my pregnancy and my son. I'm scared I will never experience these things again so I am trying to hold on so tight! As I was going through pictures for his slide show it dawned on me how much he has changed in 12 short months! We experienced so many "firsts" and I know that there are many more to come, but it is so bittersweet.

I guess I've just been worried lately. As Tanner gets older the talk of other babies comes up. I want another baby so bad, but after my difficult pregnancy I am so scared of something going wrong. I know I won't have the normal "textbook" pregnancy and the fact that I am high risk really scares me. Who am I to potentially bring a baby into this world too early and to fight an uphill battle. I am so scared, but talking with my husband about it really opened my eyes. He told me I need to stop playing the "what if" game and whatever happens is Gods will. He reminded me how the odds were against us even getting pregnant, again when we found out about my incompetent cervix, the awful statistics about early delivery, but ulimately we have a beautiful, healthy little boy. He reminded me that just getting in your car everyday is a huge risk, but not living your life because of fear is no life to live. With that I am going to TRY to put my fears to rest and let God lead me in the direction of his choice and if that means more babies, then I will embrace that whole heartedly and with excitement!
Here's a glimpse of the last year in pics! Enjoy!

Absolutely loved being pregnant! Best 8.5 months of my life (minus the heartburn)

Around this time last year!

First time I got to hold my baby in the NICU

Failure to thrive? Not anymore look at these guns (rolls)!

My handsome boy!

Tan and mama! 

It's amazing to think that at this time last year I started not feeling well and was thinking what bad gas I had, not knowing that just a few short and painful days later I would be meeting the love of my life! This has been the BEST year of my life and although it will be hard watching my son grow up, it will be the most amazing ride of my life! Tears are pouring as I am writing this and I know the waterworks will probably be bad on Saturday for his party, but they are happy tears and I am going to begin down  a path to no more fear!