Learning to be patient (emphasis on learning)

Patience is not one of my virtues. I really can't remember a time in my life when I was patient for anything! The last three years have tested me and I am in the process of learning to be more patient, although it is literally driving me crazy! After three years of ups and downs, mainly focused on fertility, pregnancy, surgery I find myself yet again trying to find that balance of impatience and faith.

After my surgery last summer I wasn't quite ready to have another child. I wanted Tanner to be a little more self sufficient in case my next pregnancy would result in bed rest. I just couldn't imagine what life would be like for my little boy if his mommy couldn't pick him up or take him to the park like we do almost everyday. October rolled around and Morgan and I decided that we were both ready to start trying for our second baby. I am terrified after the pregnancy I had last time, but am hopeful now that I have a bionic cervix thanks to Dr. Haney!

We decided to try for a few months and just have fun with it. That lasted all of about one cycle. When it didn't happen the first time I found myself obsessing over babies! We are now on month four and I am pretty sure this isn't the month either. Four months and I am freaking out! All of the what if's start filling my mind. Seeing announcements are hard. I am genuinely happy for others who are experiencing pregnancy and a new life growing inside them. I just want it to happen here too!

The last three years have been such a roller coaster. Having to wait for things is hard. I remember when Tanner was in the NICU. Those two weeks seemed like the longest wait of my life! Finding out the awful news of having an abnormal pap just weeks before my surgery was awful and the week waiting for results about drove me mad (which came out fine). Waiting for insurance approval for surgery and then waiting for the actual surgery date were so hard as well. But, even after feeling like the wait was never ending everything worked out so beautifully! My son is healthy and perfect, and the absolute light of my life. My surgery showed me to what lengths I will go to protect my children present and future and even better, I go to meet the most compassionate doctor in the world! So just like everything in the past worked out, I am sure that I will be announcing my own pregnancy soon. I try to remind myself that I will appreciate my blessings even more because I had to work so hard for them. I saw this on pinterest and it pretty much sums up what I need to focus on right now

So starting today the above is my new motto. God knows what is best and I will give it all up to him.

Been A Long Time

It's been a long time since I've published a post. Almost everyday I write an entry in my head, but just never seem to type it. It could be that my days (especially the last three weeks) have been filled with running to the potty every 20 minutes with the little guy. Potty training is no joke, but I think we have finally become successful (or Tanner has). He is going on almost three weeks of no accidents! I am very proud of my little guy and although at times I was sure I was going to have a nervous breakdown and was pretty sure I would be sending my kid to kindergarten in Depends, we did it! Another hurdle of motherhood complete. As I think back on all the stages Tanner has been through the last 2.5 years (how in the world is my baby 2.5 years old), I can't help but smile, but my heart also aches a bit.

He is growing so fast! He is developing his own personality, and a very comical one at that! He is convinced that Honey Booboo is his girlfriend and has picked up a few sayings that a two year old probably shouldn't say. His favorite show is Fast N' Loud and now every time he sees a cool car he yells out "That's a bad ass car mommy"! I should probably censor tv time a little more! The innocence in the way he says it makes it hard to reprimand him and the fact that my husband laughs doesn't help. He has this tough guy exterior like his daddy, but then can melt your heart with sweetness. He loves to talk about Jesus and told me the other day that "Tan tan not scared, Jesus here". He is also so concerned with taking care of people and when I wasn't feeling well last weekend he said "don't worry, tan tan is here. I take care you".

I'm sad at how fast this is all going. Each passing stage just reminds me that my little boy is growing up. I absolutely love every minute I spend with him, even the challenging ones and the ones that want to make me rip my hair out! He makes me appreciate everyday and seeing the world through his eyes is the best part of motherhood. I love my boy so much and although I'm pretty sure that I'm screwing up this whole mommy thing most of the time, his smiles, hugs, and kisses are reassurance that I am doing something right.