Desicions and Guilt

I feel that I am in the midst of making some very big and life changing decisions and honestly don't know what is best. I tend to feel guilty and indecisive about everything and know deep down I need to give it up to God and know that he will point me in the right direction, but it is so hard giving up that "control". Decisions, decisions, work, motherhood, health, and friendships are all on the forefront. Please don't take this entry as I am whiney and complaining about life. I love my life and everything that happens, good or bad, help make me a stronger person. This is just a way for me to get all of this out and hopefully find my answers through my ramblings!

I  have this enormous sense of guilt lately for the fact that I am a stay at home mom while my husband is working his butt off to provide for us. When I worked we lived very comfortably. We didn't have many worries and we were not living paycheck to paycheck. If something came up we didn't have to worry about how to pay for it. Right now we are still very blessed. We may not have all the fancy toys we want, but we are blessed with love, a beautiful and healthy son, family, food, a home, and friends. I just feel so guilty watching my husband work so hard (not that I don't as well), but I wish I could help him out more financially. Here is where my other guilt comes in. I want to help my husband by diving back into the teaching world, a world that I honestly loved, BUT I don't want to leave my son. I know I have had 18 wonderful months at home with him, but selfishly I want more. I want to be there and see his changes, hear his new words and cuddle with him while he still wants to cuddle. I go back and forth and no matter what decision I make I know I will question myself and ultimately have to live with the guilt either way. I know many working moms who do a fantastic job juggling both work and motherhood, but I just don't know if I can. Well, that's a lie, I KNOW I can, but the real question deep down is do I want too? Part of me says yes, while the other is screaming no! Ugh.

As I've mentioned before my quest to have another child is on a very winding course with a few road blocks along the way.  I am still fighting doctors and insurance to approve me going to Chicago to have a surgery that will help me bring home a healthy, full term baby. Things aren't going as smoothly as I was hoping. I am mad! I am sad and I started to feel sorry for myself until reality smacked me in the face. I am a very instant gratification type of person and waiting is not my forte, but I am learning that life is not predictable and I can't get down everytime I see a new pregnancy announcement, I can't judge women who complain about how uncomfortable they are when they are pregnant, I can't continue feeling guilty for secretly glaring at the pregnant ladies at the mall with their adorable tummies. I know that the surgery is the right option for me and I am going to fight like hell for it. I will not take no for an answer as this is my body, so therefore my decison and although it may take longer than expected it will happen. Maybe along this process it will teach me patience. Haha, not holding my breath!

I am also a very emotional person and tend to feel guilty about almost every decision I make. I am a people pleaser and just genuinely want people to like me. I tend to hide my true feelings in an attempt to avoid confrontation or even let people walk all over me because I would rather be the one down than have someone else feel bad. The very few times I have actually stood up for myself have not ended well. I remember last summer when my good friend Sarah and I approached a dog abuser and nearly got ourselves killed in the park (a little exaggerated but, thank goodness for husbands who are big and Sarah for taking the brunt of the jerks verbal assult). People are used to the sweet, push over, and when I stand up they can't take it and of course I am a horrible person. So knowing all of this why do I feel guilty for calling someone out after they said and did really mean things to me?  I guess it's just part of growing up and getting to know who I am.

So lot's of decisions to make and although some are scary and force me to come out of my comfort zone, I know that these decisions will make me a better person in the long run. God has never let me down before and I know he won't now either. Sorry for the rambings, but it sure does feel good to get them out!

Happy Valentines Day!

It's Valentines Day!  A day of eating way too much chocolate and loving those around you! This year I feel like Tanner was old enough to kind of understand the day and I want to train this guy early so we made treats for all of his little friends and family!  I used this amazing sugar cookie recipe that my friend Brittany pinned from pintrest. They are the best sugar cookies I have ever had and are so easy to make! Mama baked and Tanner played with dough and a rolling pin on the floor, which the dogs loved! This afternoon we will make our deliveries of our treats to neighbors and friends! Here are some pics of the cookie making process and the recipe thanks to http://peppermintplum.blogspot.com/

1 cup butter
2 cups sugar
2 eggs
3 tsp. vanilla
1 cup sour cream
1 tsp. salt
2 tsp. baking soda
5 1/2 cups flour
In mixer, cream butter and sugar, and then add eggs and vanilla. Add sour cream. Combine salt, soda, and flour, and add to mixture.
Roll out on floured surface to about 1/4 to 1/3 inch thick place on parchment lined cookie sheet.  Bake at 375 or 7-8 minutes! cookies will not look done, but they are!!! Don't over bake or they will not be soft, melt in your mouth cookies!  Let cool for 5 minutes than transfer to cooling rack!

Butter Cream Frosting:
1/2 cup butter, softened
4 cups powdered sugar
2 tsp vanilla extract
1/4-1/3 cup milk
In a mixing bowl, cream butter. Beat in sugar and vanilla until crumbly. Gradually add milk until frosting reaches desired consistency. Add desired food coloring.

And there you have it, the best sugar cookie recipe of all time! I love you Pintrest!!!!
As for my V-day with the Hubs, we don't really go all out, but instead usually eat a good meal and just spend time together.  Last year we stayed in with the little man, but last night my hubby took me out for a great seafood dinner, just the two of us!  It was so nice eating with both hands for a change, but we both missed our little dude so much! Most of our conversations were centered around Tanner and how much he has changed our lives for the better!  I ate way too much and even had to unbutton my pants (I tend to overeat when lobster is involved, oh and cheesecake)!  Morgan had crab legs and moaned and groaned all night about how his stomach hurt, but how it was totally worth it!  Tanner got to spend the evening getting completely spoiled by gwappa and maaama!  They made his favorite meal of mac n' cheese and he even got to help grandma make chocolate dipped strawberries! When we picked him up he was bathed and in his pj's! I could get used to this! So today I plan on spending the day loving my little man, maybe picking up a pizza and spending a relaxing night with my boys and the tv!

My Valentines present from Tanner! I love how you can see his little fingerprints in the chocolate!

Best Valentine EVER!

                         Hope you all have a fantastic Valentines Day and share it with those you love!

Super Sunday!

I know I'm a little late posting about our Superbowl party (and this is out of order), but Morgan and I were hit with a bad case of the 24 hour flu and then I continued with a killer migrane for most of Tuesday! We spent most of Monday hunched over the toilet and trying to forget the massive headache we were both plauged with!

Back to Sunday, we had a small get together for the big game with some of our close friends. All the couples had kids so Tanner had lots of friends to play with! We laughed, talked, ate great food (thanks Pintrest), and reffereed toddler wrestling matches. All in all it was a fun day and the outcome of the game couldn't have been better! I can't stand Brady and the Patriots!!!

Here are some of the highlights:

Yum!

Delicious food! Especially the Better Than Sex Cake!

Damn Patriots scored!

Getting ready to say bye bye to BFF"s!

Earning My Keep

Tanner loves "helping" around the house and recently thought that cleaning up dog poop (from 3 massive poop machine dogs) looked like the best thing ever. When I was pregnant Morgan's big aha moment came when he announced that our child would be trained to pick up dog poop and he would never have to do it again. I was thinking about age 5 or 6, but 18 months sounds pretty good too! Yesterday we spent some time outside (outside seems to cure terrible two like tantrums) when Tanner discovered the poop shovel and rake. He was drawn to it and looked so darn cute trying to manuver it!  A photo session followed and screams not to step in poop! He did pretty good for his first time, but I still think we are going to leave the poop cleaning to daddy! Can't take away all his fun can we?! 

The look on his face look like torture, not fun, but I assure you this was his idea!

I got this!

Take that caca!

This is our weeping cherry willow we planted when we found out were pregnant! Tanner's tree!

The cutest reason for all the poop in our yard! She's lucky she is ridiculously cute!

Now if I could only teach my son to vacuum, do dishes, and fold laundry, my life would be so much easier! Everything in time I guess!!

A Week As A Single Mom

Morgan has been out of town this week for work and I have been living the single mom life. Let me just say, it is NO fun! There are times, especially when my husband is on my last nerve that I think to myself how nice it would be to be a single mom with a house that would stay clean, but after living it the past few days, that is totally not the case! I NEED my husband in so many ways. He is my protector, my break giver, the better cook, and my companion.  It also doesn't help that I am the world's biggest chicken and am convinced that we will be robbed at any given second so sleep is not happening much this week. I have 3 dogs, a gun (that I actually know how to use), and various objects placed throughout the house in case I need to knock an intruder over the head, but I am still scared. I go to bed at night and pray to still be alive in the morning and even text a friend to make sure she is still alive and to inform her I survived the night as well!

Long days with Tanner and no Daddy to come home in the evening has been rough. Tanner doesn't understand and calls for his dada all night long. When he wakes up he asks for dada to get his baba and looks at me like I am no more than a second place replacement for his daddy. Thank God for grandparents who come and check on us in the evenings and give me a few minutes to shower and pee by myself. I really do have the best parents in the world. I am actually going to take them up on their offer and leave Tan for a few hours today so I can go to the gym by myself! Yay!

It hasn't been all bad though. Tanner has been extra sweet with me (probably just because he misses hanging out with his daddy) and the snuggling at night has melted my heart.  I have also realized how much I love my husband and appreciate all of his hard work for our family. I am just hoping this job is over soon so we can get back to being a family of 3 or 6 if you include our four legged babies!