Desicions and Guilt

I feel that I am in the midst of making some very big and life changing decisions and honestly don't know what is best. I tend to feel guilty and indecisive about everything and know deep down I need to give it up to God and know that he will point me in the right direction, but it is so hard giving up that "control". Decisions, decisions, work, motherhood, health, and friendships are all on the forefront. Please don't take this entry as I am whiney and complaining about life. I love my life and everything that happens, good or bad, help make me a stronger person. This is just a way for me to get all of this out and hopefully find my answers through my ramblings!

I  have this enormous sense of guilt lately for the fact that I am a stay at home mom while my husband is working his butt off to provide for us. When I worked we lived very comfortably. We didn't have many worries and we were not living paycheck to paycheck. If something came up we didn't have to worry about how to pay for it. Right now we are still very blessed. We may not have all the fancy toys we want, but we are blessed with love, a beautiful and healthy son, family, food, a home, and friends. I just feel so guilty watching my husband work so hard (not that I don't as well), but I wish I could help him out more financially. Here is where my other guilt comes in. I want to help my husband by diving back into the teaching world, a world that I honestly loved, BUT I don't want to leave my son. I know I have had 18 wonderful months at home with him, but selfishly I want more. I want to be there and see his changes, hear his new words and cuddle with him while he still wants to cuddle. I go back and forth and no matter what decision I make I know I will question myself and ultimately have to live with the guilt either way. I know many working moms who do a fantastic job juggling both work and motherhood, but I just don't know if I can. Well, that's a lie, I KNOW I can, but the real question deep down is do I want too? Part of me says yes, while the other is screaming no! Ugh.

As I've mentioned before my quest to have another child is on a very winding course with a few road blocks along the way.  I am still fighting doctors and insurance to approve me going to Chicago to have a surgery that will help me bring home a healthy, full term baby. Things aren't going as smoothly as I was hoping. I am mad! I am sad and I started to feel sorry for myself until reality smacked me in the face. I am a very instant gratification type of person and waiting is not my forte, but I am learning that life is not predictable and I can't get down everytime I see a new pregnancy announcement, I can't judge women who complain about how uncomfortable they are when they are pregnant, I can't continue feeling guilty for secretly glaring at the pregnant ladies at the mall with their adorable tummies. I know that the surgery is the right option for me and I am going to fight like hell for it. I will not take no for an answer as this is my body, so therefore my decison and although it may take longer than expected it will happen. Maybe along this process it will teach me patience. Haha, not holding my breath!

I am also a very emotional person and tend to feel guilty about almost every decision I make. I am a people pleaser and just genuinely want people to like me. I tend to hide my true feelings in an attempt to avoid confrontation or even let people walk all over me because I would rather be the one down than have someone else feel bad. The very few times I have actually stood up for myself have not ended well. I remember last summer when my good friend Sarah and I approached a dog abuser and nearly got ourselves killed in the park (a little exaggerated but, thank goodness for husbands who are big and Sarah for taking the brunt of the jerks verbal assult). People are used to the sweet, push over, and when I stand up they can't take it and of course I am a horrible person. So knowing all of this why do I feel guilty for calling someone out after they said and did really mean things to me?  I guess it's just part of growing up and getting to know who I am.

So lot's of decisions to make and although some are scary and force me to come out of my comfort zone, I know that these decisions will make me a better person in the long run. God has never let me down before and I know he won't now either. Sorry for the rambings, but it sure does feel good to get them out!