Anxiety Level Rising

Well with my impending trip and surgery in 9 days, my anxiety level has kicked into overdrive. I am terrified. I know I am in the best hands and am so blessed to have found my miracle doctor. Dr. Haney is an amazing man. We've spoken on the phone and he has replied to every single one of my emails, even the ones where I ramble like a crazy person. He is so kind and compassionate and I am beyond grateful to have him!

That aside, I am still terrified. Leaving Tanner is going to be so hard. I've never been away from him over night. Our lives pretty much revolve around the kid and I am terrified that Morgan and I won't have anything to talk about! It will be nice to have that "alone" time with my husband, but honestly our lives are not complete without our son. We truly love having him around and if we could take him, we would in a heartbeat. I feel like I am morbid for thinking it, but I feel like I need to be ready in case I don't come home. I want my wishes granted. Losing my uncle so suddenly made me think of all the what if's and all the wishes he never made clear to the family. I guess I am just a control freak, but surgery is scary, especially when you travel halfway around the country for it. I am also so sad thinking about what Tanner will be thinking . I am so scared that he will feel like he has been left and wonder if we will come back. It breaks my heart to know that he will probably have some rough nights. I am beyond blessed to have my parents watching him. Tanner is a little obsessed with my Dad so I know he will be loved and taken care of, but it won't be from me which is hard. I know if I stay busy I will be fine, but I know night time is going to be super rough on me and the days laying in the hospital bed with just my thoughts. Thank God for modern technology and Skype. I will be using it a lot while we are out of town so I can see my handsome guys face.

The next few days leading up to our trip are going to be rough. Tears and fears are on the agenda, but I know I need to stay positive and dream of my bionic cervix that won't fail me with our next baby. I need to hold onto the dream of welcoming a new addition someday and remember that without this surgery and the amazing Dr. Haney, those dreams would not be possible. Easier said than done, but I'll try.