Well the nerves have official started. I am starting to freak out about our upcoming trip to Chicago and my impending "mini" c-section, but without the baby! I know this surgery is the only way to have a "normal" pregnancy, but I'm getting really scared and even questioning my decision. I know I will be in the best hands and that God sent Dr. Haney my way on purpose, but man I am scared out of my mind! I am terrified of leaving my little guy. We haven't been apart over night since our NICU days and I am so afraid that he will think I abandoned him. I know he will be fine and will be spoiled rotten by my parents, but I feel like a terrible mom for leaving him. I also feel guilty because this trip is going to cost a pretty penny. My hubby has been so wonderful, picking up side jobs and working his butt off to do this. I am dipping into my savings and doing that scares me so much! I like planning for the future and not having a clear idea of the future or not having that financial cushion scares me.
I have been playing the awful "what if" game a lot lately. What if I die, the plane crashes, all the stupid morbid what ifs are driving me nuts!!! I know I have to have faith that everything will be okay and that this surgery will work and I will again carry a healthy baby inside of me! June 7th (surgery day) seems so far away, but then so close sometimes. I actually emailed Dr. Haney the other day with my list of pretty ridiculous questions and those "what if's" and to my surprise he responded immediately! He answered every question and took time to speak to me like a normal person. After this I know I made the right choice, I just wish this man was a little closer! On the bright side, I get to see my Mecca! Soldier Field and the Chicago Bears here I come!
Looking to the bright side doesn't always work for me so I have found other ways to cope with my crazy emotions and nerves. I found a support group called http://abbyloopers.com. All of these women have what I have and have either had a TAC (transabdominal cerclage) or are in the process of having one. Their stories are inspiring and knowing that I am not alone has helped so much. I feel like I have so many friends (even though we have never met) out there rooting for me! When I get down I read their posts and know this is the right path for me even though it will hurt (physically and emotionally). I have also begun running agian. I am 6 weeks in and am feeling great! I run everyday, sometimes twice a day and my motivation is a faster recovery with a body that is in better shape. When I want to give up I think about the surgery and how I want to resume activity so I can still have a great summer with Tanner. I also use the possibility of a future pregnancy as my motivation! I want to be my healthiest for a baby and also want to shed the after baby pounds faster than I did with Tanner. Running has been my therapy and best of all it's free!
I know the next few weeks leading up to the surgery are going to be scary and probably have me an emotional wreck! I am so thankful for my upcoming haircut and spa day and many runs with my great friend to help relieve some of the tension! Until then I just have to keep telling myself I am doing the right thing and God will be by my side the entire journey.
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