Learning to Embrace Who I Am Today

In just a few short weeks I will hit the big 27! Twenty seven!! Holy cow, I used to think that was so old. I don't feel old, but then it hits me when I run into former preschool students I taught and they are in mid school! When I was younger I thought I had a plan and knew where my life would be. I was totally wrong. My life now is nothing like the planned life I once dreamed of. I thought for sure I would be teaching young minds, wearing heels, having a toned body, traveling the world during summer break, and falling madly in love with my prince charming (that part actually happened), oh and being a mommy. God knows being a mommy was at the top of that list and I'm proud to say that that actually happened too! My life isn't exactly where I thought it would be, but in so many ways it is better than I could have ever imagined. The last three years of my life have been the best years of my life. For one, I married my best friend and also was blessed with the most amazing gift from God, my little boy.

I chose a new path once my son was born. A path I never thought I would, but one that I am learning to embrace. I chose to put my teaching dream on hold for a bit in order to raise my son and although I miss teaching and financial stability at times, I know it was the best decision I have ever made. Ever since baby wearing heels only happens on special occasions and then I spend the next day complaining. The toned body that I used to complain about (yes the college me used to think I was fat at a stinkin' size 2! Oh to be that 2 again) is gone. Having a baby isn't so easy on bodies! I am critical on myself on a good day so gaining 37lbs was not the greatest experience of my life. I lost all my baby weight fast, but things are NOT the same and some things are not where they used to be! The jiggle isn't so fun either, but I am trying my best to embrace my new size 6 (which I have to keep reminding myself isn't bad at all) curves and not beat myself up for enjoying some sugar or skipping a workout. I read a blog a few days ago that really inspired me. She was talking about body after baby and how she has learned to embrace it. One quote really struck a cord with me "The love handles on my back represent the times I chose to enjoy ice cream with my family". I usually feel guilty for eating dessert, but I love it and believe me dieting Melinda is not a nice person. I would rather enjoy my time and have the damn ice cream every once in a while than miss out on fun times with my boys for fear of an extra pound. Now, I am not saying I'm letting go of all control. Do I want falt abs, yes, but am I going to make myself and my family miserable to get them no. I'll do my best and work hard, but still enjoy my life and view workouts as fun and something I want to do instead of something I am forcing myself to do. There are many times when I look in the mirror and feel disgusted or down on myself. I am trying my best to look at those imperfections and turn them into a positive. When I see the stretch marks on my belly I try to remind myself of the miracle that I grew in my belly. They are proof of what I accomplished and the blessing of life. My surgery scar that is not fading in color (I mean it's purple and gross) is a reminder of the lengths I went to in order bring our next child into the world as safely as possible. My not so perky boobs remind me of the nutrients that my son received for 18 months (now someday those will be fixed. Been saving my change haha).

I have never traveled the world, heck I can count the states I've been to on one hand. I did get to experience the big city this summer and liked it, but prefer good old New Mexico! We may not be world travelers, but my husband knows our state like the back of his hand from all of his years hunting and has taken me to some beautiful places that I didn't even know existed!

My life now is different than the one I dreamed up when I was 18 and will probably be nothing like what I imagine it will be in ten years. I am thankful for the experiences that have made me who I am. I am so happy that my "first love" broke my heart. If he hadn't I would've never met Morgan and wouldn't be watching my baby boy sleep right now. I am happy that I let go and let God lead me down the path that he has. Sometimes I question the path that I am on. Am I making the right choices? Am I good enough? I play the what if game. Sometimes I question God and the path he has sent me on. I question "why me?" But, ultimately I have to embrace the here and now and know it's all part of a bigger plan. I have to let go. I may not be a size two, not everyone will like me, I can't please everyone all the time without making myself crazy in the process, I may not have a ton of money. My clothes isn't the trendyist as I choose to recycle my wardrobe so that I can spend my money on my boy. I am embracing that fact that I have and will make many more mistakes on this motherhood journey. I have decided to be the best me I can for the remainder of 26 and learn to love and embrace myself, mind, body, everything in my 27th year. I need to find my faith again and live my life for God and my family and embrace the journey that is set for me with open arms.