Loss

So as I was going through my friend list on facebook today, I noticed that my supposed "best" friend who was like a sister to me deleted my butt! Not much of a surprise since we haven't talked in over a year. I shouldn't be hurt because I have also chosen not to have this person, whom I no longer know (literally, name change and all) in my life, but surprisingly it stung a little. This person was in my wedding and I was a huge part of her sons life. After many instances of friendship not being reciprocated I chose to "end it". No call for baby shower, no show at hospital when my son was born, no visit in the 12 days he was in the NICU, no nothing for a year, so why do I still care? I guess deep down I was hoping that things would change and that the old friend I had growing up would eventually come back. Guess not.Well one  thing I know is that my family and friends who matter have stuck by and will continue to stick by my side through thick and thin. I know I probably don't thank these people enough, but I would like them to know how special they are to me! On that note I also have to send a thank you shout out to some wonderful ladies. Last Thursday night Stephanie, Sarah, and Brittany made my upcoming birthday one to remember with a trip to the St. James Tea Room. We dined on yummy food and delicious desserts. They made me feel so special and having those three in my life is such a blessing!

Teething... Enough Said

The past 24 hours in the Dean household have been challenging! Tanner, like usual, is having a really hard time with the two new pearly whites waiting to make an appearance. Fussy days and sleepless nights are not fun. I always try to think about how lucky I am to have such a healthy, (usually) happy, adorable baby, but yesterday I found myself really frustrated and exhausted. To make matters worse Morgan was fishing with my dad and father in law as I was having my mommy meltdown. After four hours of trying to get Tanner down for the night and becoming a human pacifier, the boy was finally asleep. As I looked over at him laying next to me so peaceful, I again realized how lucky I am. Every mom has the right to have a bad day now and then, but seeing my baby cuddled up to me made the hours of screaming and being on my hip worth it. I felt so guilty for feeling frustrated with him and even shed a few tears. I love my boy more than life and am in awe of him every day. God gave me the most amazing gift, a little boy who is perfect in my eyes (teething and all).  Here's to a better day and hopefully a more restful night (this may require a famous "Doug" margarita at the in-laws tonight, don't judge me)!

Vampire baby no more, top front teeth finally came in! Now on to the others, Yay (NOT)!

Days Numbered

My days of being a stay at home mommy are numbered. First off let me say that being home with Tanner has been the most amazing time of my life! I thank my husband so much for working so hard and providing for our family so that I could fulfill my dream of being home with Tanner. I would not trade this past year with Tanner for anything. Thankfully, my transition into working mom will be temporary. I am going back to my wonderful school to take over for a friend as she becomes a mommy to baby number two! I will be  back full time for six weeks and I have varying emotions on it! On one hand I am so happy to be doing what I love (even though 1st graders scare the crap out of me), working with a great staff, knowing my baby will be in great hands, feeling like the "old me", and being able to help Morgan out with some of the finances. On the other hand I am feeling completely overwhelmed by the fact that I will be leaving my little boy. The 12 days that we were separated while he was in the NICU were the hardest days of my life and although I know this is totally different, I don't ever want to feel that sadness again. I think my separation anxiety is worse than my sons! I KNOW he will be okay, hell he's with Grammie and and Grandpa, but my heart breaks thinking of all the things I will miss out on! I know, I know six weeks will fly and once I settle into a routine, I know I will love being back!

So, I'm taking this opportunity as a test run to show myself that it is possible to cut the cord and regain a little bit of me! My biggest fear of diving back into teaching is getting pregnant again and feeling like I won't be able to give my next baby the same opportunity that Tanner has had, or having to leave my job again! Leaving was one of the hardest things I had ever done (probably easier than leaving Tanner though). I am by no means trying for a sibling for Tanner, but have a feeling it will happen if I were to go back full time (just my luck)! I guess I need to just put the future into God's hands and know that whatever happens, job, baby, etc. is all a part of his will and I will cross that bridge when I get there! For now I am looking forward to teaching again and also dreading leaving my boy, but know that this will be good for both of us and our family!
                                         Here's some momma and Tanner time daddy captured!

Jemez, New Mexico Aug. 2011

enjoying the nice cool air in the mountains!

Our Little Helper

My son, the kid with a million toys, refuses to play with any of them! Tanner is very in to "real" things that he sees me and his daddy using. Lately, Tanner has been very into cleaning! Yay for me, not so much for the dogs. He has discovered wiping down his tray after he eats, everyone else's face, but his own, and washing Otis's (one of our many dogs) face while Tanner is taking a bath. He is also loves using cleaning tools! The feather duster is the best invention EVER! He like the vacuum until we had a slight mommy running over his finger accident, and I repeat ACCIDENT! (You will be happy to know he got me back for this unfortunate event just keep reading. . .)

This thing is awesome! No more dust!

This bumbo is filthy! Sheesh, mom never cleans!

He loves dusting his toys, but still prefers the dogs! He army crawls on my floors and sweeps for me (such a good boy) and this past week he has discovered the fascinating world of laundry! He "helps" me put clothes in the dryer (more so he pulls them out as soon as I put them in), he loves demolishing folding clothes!

missing the basket

Serious laundry man!

I am not immune to the helping child. He actually loves working with his daddy and it is some of the more tender moments that melt my heart. Before Tan's party we had some home improvement to get done. A few walls needed touch ups and our bathroom door never closed right. As I was  walking down the hall I got a glimpse of Tan and his daddy discussing how to fix the door and snapped one of my favorite pics    

hmmmm. . . . this is hard work I think we need a cold one!

Last night I decided to bake (big no, no when your alone with a crazy one year old in the house). As I was mixing my muffins I turn around to see every skillet I own, spoons, and pans all over the kitchen and Tanner is so cleverly mixing imaginary food for the dogs in Walker's bowl! Cute, but not when he decides to smash your foot with a skillet!

Asking Daisy what she would like for dinner (this was taken before toe smashing incident of 2011)

  Long story short, my muffins sucked (forgot the baking soda, as I was more concerned with my throbbing toe so forgot one key ingredient) so the puppies get muffins for every meal for the next week!

Cleaning is hard work! 

So, I think I am training this boy pretty good, he likes cooking, cleaning, and fixing things. Let's just hope he is this willing to help when he is sixteen!

First Birthday Depression

I don't know if there is a medical term for what I am feeling, but I like to call it first birthday depression! I have been in a funk the last couple of days and I know it is stemming from Tanner's upcoming birthday! I am loving planning his party, but on one hand it makes me so sad to know that my baby is growing up! I have these fears that I will not have another baby, so each little milestone means so much to me and I try to remember every little detail of my pregnancy and my son. I'm scared I will never experience these things again so I am trying to hold on so tight! As I was going through pictures for his slide show it dawned on me how much he has changed in 12 short months! We experienced so many "firsts" and I know that there are many more to come, but it is so bittersweet.

I guess I've just been worried lately. As Tanner gets older the talk of other babies comes up. I want another baby so bad, but after my difficult pregnancy I am so scared of something going wrong. I know I won't have the normal "textbook" pregnancy and the fact that I am high risk really scares me. Who am I to potentially bring a baby into this world too early and to fight an uphill battle. I am so scared, but talking with my husband about it really opened my eyes. He told me I need to stop playing the "what if" game and whatever happens is Gods will. He reminded me how the odds were against us even getting pregnant, again when we found out about my incompetent cervix, the awful statistics about early delivery, but ulimately we have a beautiful, healthy little boy. He reminded me that just getting in your car everyday is a huge risk, but not living your life because of fear is no life to live. With that I am going to TRY to put my fears to rest and let God lead me in the direction of his choice and if that means more babies, then I will embrace that whole heartedly and with excitement!
Here's a glimpse of the last year in pics! Enjoy!

Absolutely loved being pregnant! Best 8.5 months of my life (minus the heartburn)

Around this time last year!

First time I got to hold my baby in the NICU

Failure to thrive? Not anymore look at these guns (rolls)!

My handsome boy!

Tan and mama! 

It's amazing to think that at this time last year I started not feeling well and was thinking what bad gas I had, not knowing that just a few short and painful days later I would be meeting the love of my life! This has been the BEST year of my life and although it will be hard watching my son grow up, it will be the most amazing ride of my life! Tears are pouring as I am writing this and I know the waterworks will probably be bad on Saturday for his party, but they are happy tears and I am going to begin down  a path to no more fear!

Mom Of The Year...NOT

Well Friday was officially one of the worsts days I have had being a mommy. In a few years I may look back on this day and laugh, but for right now I am still horrified at my obvious lack of parenting skills! Let me first say that  my brain was scattered (probably from the margaritas the night before) and I just wasn't myself that awful day! That morning I went running with the little man and our mommy and baby friends. The whole run I was feeling pretty crappy, but pushed myself to finish (oh, 10k training is actually going really good). After our run Tanner fell asleep for a pretty long nap and when he woke up we decided to meet up with the mom group at the pool! While we were there Tanner and I were just not feeling it. He was teething pretty bad and I had a pretty bad headache. We left before the others and made our way to the car. This is where the story gets really bad. I was trying to be a "good" mom and cool down the car before putting Tan in.I started the car and turned on the air full blast then I started loading the car with the ever mounting pile of stuff that you need for the pool and finally put Tanner in his car seat.  I reached up and hit what I thought was the unlock button on the passenger side door to make sure the car was open, one problem, I hit the damn lock button and slammed the door! Instantly I knew what had happened and I began panicking! I ran around the car pulling on all the doors. If I had found a rock I would've busted the window, but thankfully the sane Melinda came out for a brief moment and decided to run up to the fence enclosing the pool and scare the you know what out of a woman trying to enjoy a book and scream through tears and snot "I locked my baby in the car, I need your phone (cause you guessed it, mine was in the damn car)! I called my mom who lives about 2 minutes from the pool, she called my dad who works for the Village, and he called his police buddy, who called Corrales Fire Dept. In about 5 minutes I was surrounded by an ambulance, 2 cop cars, mom's van, dad's truck, and a few onlookers. It didn't help that I have known most of the cops and EMT's for my entire life, oh and what sucks even worse one of the EMT's was my ex boyfriends brother! Like I didn't feel stupid enough already! Within a few minutes my car door was opened and I grabbed my precious little boy, who was a trooper I might add! The car was very cool because I had the air on full blast (thank God), but the EMT's still wanted to check Tanner's vitals!  Seeing medics working on your kid no matter how minor is an image I will never forget and hope to never have to see again!  He was fine until they tried to check his ears (devil child emerges when ears are checked) and he gave a scream and a flail! He checked out just fine, and the fire chief seemed more worried about the crazy mama here crying and telling them that I really am not that stupid! He gave me strict orders to go to my mom's, put my feet up and calm down!

Later that night my husband went to the Ford dealership and got me a brand new key to keep in a magnetic box under my car so that if stupidity hits again, I will be prepared! I am, however, a nervous wreck every time I have to put Tanner back in the car! I guess I need to chalk this up to a lesson learned and be thankful that it ended the way it did because it could have been a lot worse! It has made me even more appreciative for the beautiful baby boy that God blessed me with! A special thanks to all the people that helped out on Friday: Corrales PD and FD, mom, dad, lady who told me it happens to every mom, lady I probably made shit her pants, my hubby, and most of all my boy for still loving me even though he surely didn't hit the mom jackpot!

My reason for living! Love him so much!

 

Mom's Night Out with Margaritas!!!

Well we were supposed to hit up the pool today with our baby and mommy friends, but my little guy passed out and I won't dare wake him up. So instead I'll tell you all about my fabulous night out with the girls!

Last night we had our first Mommy's Night Out at our local Mexican restruant and totally forgot about counting points endulging in margaritas, tacos, salsa, and everything else that isn't good for the weight watcher diet, but man it was nice! We even talked about things other than our babies *gasp*!  I feel so blessed to have found this group of ladies to hang out with! It seemed like I had a ton of friends while I was single and lost some once I was married and now that I am a mommy those "friends" are pretty non-existent! The best friend who was like a sister that  I thought I would have for life is long gone and maybe that's a good thing. I have grown up and am beginning a new phase in my life and I LOVE it! I feel like the mommy's in my group "get it". They are all first time moms with babies within a month of Tanner, we have the same fears, worries, goals for our kids, and can talk about everything and I really mean everything! I finally feel like I belong and while I love my mom, it's nice not just going to her house every single day and feeling lonely.  Last night was a blast and I can't wait for our next Girls Night and hopefully getting the husband's together too! Here are some of the highlights from last night:

Brittany, Steph, Sarah, and me!

learned that hard way that two margaritas is way too much after not drinking for a year and a half!

 

 

 

 Looking forward to many more MNO's, laughter and watching our kids grow and become great friends! Thanks for an awesome night girls!