Chicago. . . The fun days

Well we are back in the Land of Enchantment and honestly I could not be happier! Chicago was nice, but I now have a new appreciation for New Mexico and the small town feel. The big city was very overwhelming to this country girl! Leaving Tanner was so hard and I'm sure Morgan and I said "man Tanner would've loved this" about 100 times a day. Overall the trip was great and just what Morgan and I needed. I take that back, the first two days were great, the other 3 not so much. I'll get into that another day.

We landed in Chicago early Tuesday morning and rode the "L" for an hour and a half ride to our hotel. First time on a train like that was a little scary, but we soon got used to it. The sights were amazing. We rode through some not so nice areas of town that kind of scared me, but also made me appreciate home so much more. We stayed near O'hare airport in a beautiful room! The view was amazing! It was so quiet in there though without a two year old running around! We ate at a local Tavern and then decided to head into the city for some sightseeing. We rode the train to downtown and were amazed at the size of the city. Pictures do not do justice to how tall the buildings truly are. The city was such a fast paced way of life. People weaving in and out of you with earphones and tablets attached to them. It was different. We went into a whole in the wall bar had a drink, some fried food, and watched the game. We walked around and took in more sights before heading to the hotel.

The next day we again ventured out to the city. This time we decided to be total tourists and hit some touristy hotspots. We walked along Lake Michigan all the way to the Shed Aquarium. It was beautiful! They had dolphins and beluga whales. I only wish Tanner had been there to see it! After that we hoped on a water taxi and headed over to Navy Peir where we ate delicious sea food and and walked along the lake. It was such a great day and one that we will never forget.

So excited for his seafood!

View of the city in the background

Mr. Serious who wore his Lobo gear in case we ran into Urlacher!

The bean and my frizzy hair! Chicago is not nice to people with curls

The best and most supportive husband around! Still in love!

This was a great trip. A trip filled with new experiences, hope, laughter, and pain. I am so glad we had a few days to have the honeymoon we never got to take and to now have a bionic cervix that will allow us to add to our family. The last few days of the trip were not glamorous by any means, but showed me what a wonderful man I married. He has seen me at my absolute worst and still loves me (thank God). I am truly blessed!

Tomorrow

is the day I fought so hard for, am excited for, but am also dreading so much. Morgan and I are leaving to Chicago to meet with the amazing Dr. Haney and to have a surgery that will change my life. Sounds great right, not so much. First off I am terrified of having my stomach cut open and the pain associated with it, but I am even more terrified of leaving my little boy for five days. Saying goodbye to him is going to be the hardest thing I've done in a very long time. He is my entire life. I spend every single day with him and love every single second, even the challenging ones. I've never spent more than a few hours away from him, so overnight is going to be hard. I have considered just taking him with us, but I know in my heart it is better for him to stay with my parents. He will be safe. He will be loved. He will be a spoiled rotten brat when I get home.  I just have this fear that he will think I abandoned him and won't come back.  I guess you can say I'm a little attached to the kid.

I am trying to look at the positive side and remember that this surgery is the only way for us to add to our family  one day. I am so lucky to have found Dr. Haney and that he is the best at what he does. I am blessed to have an option and that by doing this I will not be risking my child's life if I choose to get pregnant in the future. All that said, the fear is still there. But, I am doing this. There is no backing out. Hopefully I will look back on this and laugh. And hey, I gave birth with an epidural that ran out, this should be cake, right? (God I hope so).

I got great advice from some friends saying take this opportunity to enjoy my time with the hubby and try not to worry the whole time. I am going to try really hard. We need this. We need some time, just us. We need to be young and enjoy our selves for a couple of days. I am going to try my best!

Tomorrow is going to be hard. I know I'm going to cry. I know I will miss my baby more and more each day, but I also know the hugs and kisses I get when I get back are going to be amazing! Please keep our family in your thoughts as we start yet another journey.

Operation Clean House

If you know me, you know that I am pretty laid back about most things. By most, I mean my son. I tend to pick my battles with him. One big battle that I just don't bother with anymore is wiping his face as often as I probably should. I love to watch him eat and enjoy his food, even if he is left looking like this

I do clean him up for church and most outings, but this is Tanner at his happiest! He is such a boy and loves being dirty. He wears his food and genuinely enjoys the experience of eating. Who am I to take that from him. He is more like his daddy everyday! He has also discovered a love for watering and "helping" in the garden. By eight at night he is usually covered from head to toe in mud and dirt. His bath tub usually has an awful ring around it, but that's what Clorox is for right?

Remember I said I was laid back about most things, well one thing that brings out the major, call TLC cause she's a crazy lady, is my house. I have an obsession with cleaning. Heck, my kid can be dirty, but nothing bugs me more than having a dirty house. I blame my mom for this because the lady engrained having a clean house in us from a very young age. My brother on the other hand rebelled and I can honestly say he is the biggest anti cleaning member of our family. Well I got the other end of the spectrum. I love a clean house. It makes me feel good and less stressed. Having a husband who could care less if the house was clean has been a challenge and the cause of most of our disagreements. All also having a toddler doesn't help in the keeping an orderly house department, but hey he's cute so I don't mind.

Next week I go in for surgery so I have this horrible nesting type need to clean my house. I want to come back to a house that is nice and will hopefully stay semi clean as I won't be able to do a whole lot for a few days. So, today was baseboard and wall scrub down. It is amazing how dirty those things get with 3 dogs and a two year old! During Tanner's marathon nap, I managed to wipe down the walls (although the grimy little handprints on the fridge are still there. I didn't have the heart to wipe those away), clean baseboards, dust and just as I was beginning to sweep the little man woke up and decided to join in on all the fun.

With all the toys a kid could imagine, my kid thinks mopping is the coolest thing on Earth. Show him a feather duster and he can be occupied for hours! Let's just hope this helping attitude is still around when he is 15 and gross like his dad! I am trying not to make him as OCD as I am and I doubt it will happen because as you can see from the first picture being dirty doesn't faze him much, so I doubt a dirty house would have any effect on him . I do notice some tendincies that he got from me though. He is very particular about putting things back where they belong and gets upset if we put them back in the wrong place. Morgan does it on purpose to bug him. He is the same way at my mom's house. Guess it didn't help that the Cleaning Queen watched him for a bit while I went back to work.

Well I am grateful for my little helper and hoping that this nesting instinct goes away soon or I can finish my cleaning mission soon. I would much rather be spending my last few days before our trip to get cut open playing with this handsome little love of mine.

Anxiety Level Rising

Well with my impending trip and surgery in 9 days, my anxiety level has kicked into overdrive. I am terrified. I know I am in the best hands and am so blessed to have found my miracle doctor. Dr. Haney is an amazing man. We've spoken on the phone and he has replied to every single one of my emails, even the ones where I ramble like a crazy person. He is so kind and compassionate and I am beyond grateful to have him!

That aside, I am still terrified. Leaving Tanner is going to be so hard. I've never been away from him over night. Our lives pretty much revolve around the kid and I am terrified that Morgan and I won't have anything to talk about! It will be nice to have that "alone" time with my husband, but honestly our lives are not complete without our son. We truly love having him around and if we could take him, we would in a heartbeat. I feel like I am morbid for thinking it, but I feel like I need to be ready in case I don't come home. I want my wishes granted. Losing my uncle so suddenly made me think of all the what if's and all the wishes he never made clear to the family. I guess I am just a control freak, but surgery is scary, especially when you travel halfway around the country for it. I am also so sad thinking about what Tanner will be thinking . I am so scared that he will feel like he has been left and wonder if we will come back. It breaks my heart to know that he will probably have some rough nights. I am beyond blessed to have my parents watching him. Tanner is a little obsessed with my Dad so I know he will be loved and taken care of, but it won't be from me which is hard. I know if I stay busy I will be fine, but I know night time is going to be super rough on me and the days laying in the hospital bed with just my thoughts. Thank God for modern technology and Skype. I will be using it a lot while we are out of town so I can see my handsome guys face.

The next few days leading up to our trip are going to be rough. Tears and fears are on the agenda, but I know I need to stay positive and dream of my bionic cervix that won't fail me with our next baby. I need to hold onto the dream of welcoming a new addition someday and remember that without this surgery and the amazing Dr. Haney, those dreams would not be possible. Easier said than done, but I'll try.

My Carpets Were. . .

Clean! For Mother's day I asked my hubby to shampoo our carpets and help me do a deep clean on the house. My parents stole Tanner on Saturday so I thought this was the perfect time for some Spring cleaning. My house looked fabulous! I LOVE a clean house (a little OCD)!  Well it didn't last long.  Tanner has been consistently telling me when he goes pee or poop, but only tells me after it happens. I decided to pull out the potty and really get started on the potty train thing.  So, Tuesday morning was the day. He woke up and I immediately put him on the potty and to my surprise he peed!!! We did a goofy dance, he got some chocolate, and then we went on with the morning routine, except I decided to let him be "free" aka no diaper. He usually goes poop right after breakfast so I thought no diaper would make it easier to make it to the potty. WRONG! He wasn't going and I was getting hungry. I ran to kitchen for some yogurt and was gone maybe 20 seconds when I see the poop face starting! I yelled go sit on the potty, but before he could take a step there it was, on my newly shampooed carpet. Tanner remembered me saying go to your potty, so as the ever obedient child that he is he walked to his potty, but took a step right in his digested dinner. Needless to say I didn't get my breakfast, poop didn't go in the potty, and I spent the rest of the morning disinfecting and re cleaning the carpet. Potty training is not going to be fun. I begged and pleaded with my mom to try and do it while I'm out of town! I will bribe with her favorite cookies from Whole Foods if it comes to it! I know Tanner will get this, but I really just wish there was and "easy button" for this one! Any suggestions on potty training techniques?

Mother's Day

Mother's Day has taken on a new meaning for me since becoming a mother. This is my third Mother's Day. I know, I know, I was pregnant on my first, but I still think that counts. Mother's Day is a great day to be pampered and remembered, but I feel like mother's day is everyday. I LOVE being a mom and am so blessed that I was chosen to be Tanner's mom. Being a mom is stressful, hard, fun, exciting, exhausting, and amazing all wrapped in one. Motherhood has been the hardest, but most rewarding job I have ever done.

This year was so nice. I got to spend time with my mom, grandma, and the rest of my crazy big family. We ate, laughed, cried a little, and ate some more. The events of the past few weeks have taught me to cling to family and show each and every one of them how much you love them. My boys also spoiled me a bit. They took me out shopping for some much needed running shorts and then we ate dinner and watched some tv together. It was relaxed and just what I needed.

Being a mom has also helped me appreciate my own mom more. She is honestly my best friend, the person I can be totally honest with, and the women I respect more than anyone. She has taught me so many things and I feel that I have become a good mother from the example she has set. I honestly don't know what  I would do without her. I feel so blessed that Tanner has her in his life. She loves my son so much and he is her world. I know that my mom would give her life for my son. I also love and appreciate my mother in laws.  They are each unique in their own ways. Kenny is funny, loving, the kind of woman who would give you her last penny if she thought you needed it. She has taught me to deal and ignore Morgan's annoying habits. I hope to one day cook as good as she does and to have the courage to say what's really on my mind. I love how much she loves my son. The way she looks at him says it all. . .  Nancy is strong willed, says what she is thinking, doesn't hold back, and is honest. I love her honesty and appreciate it. She is the spoiling grandma. Anything Tanner wants he gets.  Although we don't see her as often, she makes an attempt to be present in our lives.  These three women have shown me what motherhood is and if I can even take a little from each of them I think I will do right by my son.

The love of my life!

I am so lucky to have such great examples of what motherhood is. I have been blessed with my enormous family and seeing my grandmas, aunts, and cousins who are mothers has shown me how to be a good mom. Motherhood is not easy and at times I am sure all of us have thought about quitting, but then you see the face of your child starring at you with absolute love and admiration, and all the bad and frustrating times seem to fade away.  Thank you to all of the amazing moms out there and thank you God for blessing me with the gift of motherhood.

Rough Week

The past two weeks have been rough on my family. My uncle's passing has hit hard. I guess the fact that it happened with no warning has kind of thrown me.  We had his funeral last Tuesday and it was amazing to see our church packed, I mean standing room only and some people even had to stand outside. He had many friends who I am sure are still in shock that he is gone as well. Honestly, I am having a hard time with this. My uncle and I were not incredibly close. I only really talked with him about once a month when we both happened to be at my Grandpa's. I would, however, see him almost everyday driving his car or motorcycle down Corrales road.  I miss those passings and those waves. Every motorcycle I see I think of him and maybe that's a good thing and I will see it as a blessing later, but right now it just makes me sad. It makes me remember the phone call and the "what if's" begin filling my mind. I also feel guilty for not making more time to show him I cared. I am sad that my son won't remember him and his goofy smile. I was always kind to him, but I just wish I could have done more. There are days that I forget he is really gone and then it hits. I feel bad for smiling and laughing and living life. How long until I won't feel guilty? How long until these waves of sadness and guilt pass? Will they ever? I just hurt and am sad for the life he didn't get to live. I know he is okay and is being taken care of by the Lord, but it doesn't take away all of the emotions those of us here on Earth still have. Seeing my mom and dad hurting is the worst. Seeing my Grandpa sad breaks my heart. I know I have to make more of an effort to surround myself with my family and to show them that I love and appreciate them. I don't want any more regrets. I don't want the "I should have's" either.